31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Freddy vs. Jason

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Directed by Ronny Yu

Starring Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland

Look, there’s no point in actually recapping the story of Freddy vs. Jason. It is, was, and ever shall be some standard cinematic fluff that sets up kills reminiscent of each franchise and then a big final fight between the two icons of slasher horror. This movie could only hope to reach what even the best crossovers achieve; some big, loud, stupid fun.

There is a story that actually sets up why Jason and Freddy would come to blows and it’s predictable. The characters are paper thin and only get some meat on their bones when fattened for a kill scene. Even the two villains avoid getting any development, but if you don’t know who they are there’s no reason you should be watching this. The various teen murders are pretty well done and certainly entertain; they’re just nothing either franchise hasn’t done before. The main event is actually pretty cool, changing the battleground from Crystal Lake to the dream world at the drop of a hat.

The actors all make the best of the script. The people playing the soon to be murdered teens are all fairly likeable and vanilla. Robert Englund could turn in an entertaining Freddy Kruegar in his sleep, which he did for A Nightmare on Elm Street numbers 4 through Freddy’s Dead. Ken Kirzinger takes the role of Jason Voorhees, replacing series mainstay and definitive Jason Kane Hodder. Since the entire role is staying silent, moving slowly, and hacking people up with a machete, I couldn’t really find anything wrong with Kirzinger’s performance.

You don’t watch Freddy vs. Jason without understanding that this is not going to be a good movie. It’s entertaining fan service that has what could almost be considered a plot. You either want to watch this comic book crossover styled hack and slash fest because you like either franchise, or because you hate yourself. Anyway you cut it; Freddy vs. Jason is some big, loud, stupid fun.

6 out of 10

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Alien vs. Predator

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson

Starring Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Raoul Bova, Ewen Bremner, Colin Salmon

These are two massive franchises for 20^th Century Fox. Alien is known for compelling story telling, tense scares, and for the first two films being some of the best work made by their respective directors. Predator, while it doesn’t have the pedigree of the Alien franchise, is known for a tense blend of action and horror. The two properties first crossed over in a comic book series from Dark Horse Comics. The subsequent years’ worth of series, miniseries, and merchandise showed just how profitable an idea this is. This movie should be a no-brainer, with decades of stories to draw from and the guaranteed cash of eager fanboys. Unfortunately, Alien vs. Predator is such a profound failure that not even the most ardent of fans could find it worthwhile.

Let’s start off with the films two biggest, most glaring flaws. First, it was directed by occasional talent and full time hack Paul W. S. Anderson. Anderson has the occasional bright spot in his filmography, like the creepy space horror flick Event Horizon. He also has numerous Resident Evil movies and the Mortal Kombat movies under the writer/director/producer umbrella. This is a director who at best strives for aggressive mediocrity.

Second, the studio insisted on making the film for a PG-13 rating. The PG-13 rating ensures a more theater revenue because of the wider audience that would be excluded from an R release. So the level of visceral violence, gore, swear words, and tense scares both franchises are known for have to be scaled back for the preteen audience the movie would surely attract.

The story in concept could make for a good horror movie. There’s a mysterious pyramid buried under the ice of the Antarctic and digging it out reveals two alien scourges nobody is prepared for. That description right there could be the pitch for countless, Lovecraftian sci-fi horror films. There’s questions of alien visitation in human history, who or what are our gods, and plenty of other interesting themes that a decent director and writer could churn into a very compelling piece of genre filmmaking. However, the story isn’t executed all that well and favors mindless violence over the big ideas.

The action and special effects look very good. There are a lot of full costumes and prosthetics used here, with more people in alien suits than the entirety of Alien Resurrection. The predators, even under the ridiculous plate armor, look fine. If there’s one thing Anderson really can do well, it’s special effects driven action scenes. The CGI, actors in suits, and fight choreography work well together.

The fights just drag on forever and don’t have the impact they should because of the lack of gore. Sure, everything is bleeding bright green or mustardy yellow, but the creature fights just don’t feel like there’s any weight to them. It’s kind of like watching someone play fight with two toys, but in a feature film. The aliens and predators aren’t exactly fully developed characters and the humans aren’t much better fleshed out. So, every fight and kill has little emotional impact behind it.

For the most part, the cast is pretty disposable. Even lead actress Sanaa Lathan looks woefully out of place trying to spout some horrendous lines and deal with yet another special effects shot. The only bright spot is Lance Henriksen as the dying industrialist Charles Bishop Weyland. You actually get the sense that this man is living on borrowed time and you feel his desperation to make a historic discovery.

This movie is such a disappointment for so many reasons. The story starts somewhat promisingly and devolves into joyless fight scenes. The edge that comes from both franchises is neutered by a rating that no film in either series should ever receive. Overall, and most damning, Alien vs. Predator is offensively not entertaining and intellectually deficient. Just avoid the movie and rewatch anything else from either series.

4 out of 10