31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Freddy vs. Jason

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Directed by Ronny Yu

Starring Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland

Look, there’s no point in actually recapping the story of Freddy vs. Jason. It is, was, and ever shall be some standard cinematic fluff that sets up kills reminiscent of each franchise and then a big final fight between the two icons of slasher horror. This movie could only hope to reach what even the best crossovers achieve; some big, loud, stupid fun.

There is a story that actually sets up why Jason and Freddy would come to blows and it’s predictable. The characters are paper thin and only get some meat on their bones when fattened for a kill scene. Even the two villains avoid getting any development, but if you don’t know who they are there’s no reason you should be watching this. The various teen murders are pretty well done and certainly entertain; they’re just nothing either franchise hasn’t done before. The main event is actually pretty cool, changing the battleground from Crystal Lake to the dream world at the drop of a hat.

The actors all make the best of the script. The people playing the soon to be murdered teens are all fairly likeable and vanilla. Robert Englund could turn in an entertaining Freddy Kruegar in his sleep, which he did for A Nightmare on Elm Street numbers 4 through Freddy’s Dead. Ken Kirzinger takes the role of Jason Voorhees, replacing series mainstay and definitive Jason Kane Hodder. Since the entire role is staying silent, moving slowly, and hacking people up with a machete, I couldn’t really find anything wrong with Kirzinger’s performance.

You don’t watch Freddy vs. Jason without understanding that this is not going to be a good movie. It’s entertaining fan service that has what could almost be considered a plot. You either want to watch this comic book crossover styled hack and slash fest because you like either franchise, or because you hate yourself. Anyway you cut it; Freddy vs. Jason is some big, loud, stupid fun.

6 out of 10

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)

Directed by Adam Green

Starring Joel Moore, Tamara Feldman, Deon Richmond, Tony Todd, Robert Englund, Kane Hodder

Ben went to Mardi Gras to forget a recent breakup. Trying to get away from the nonstop party for a chance at something different, Ben drags his friend Marcus to a night boat swamp tour. Together with the other tourists and a mysterious girl named Marybeth, the group sets out to see the sights. They come across the home of a local legend; Victor Crowley. The story goes that Crowley was a deformed boy who was accidently hit in the face with a hatchet by his father. Some say you can still hear Victor calling out for his daddy in the night. Ben thinks nothing of it until he hears something off in the distance. The spirit of Victor Crowley is about to show them why he’s a legend.

Hatchet is billed as a love letter to slasher movies made by a horror fanatic, writer/director Adam Green. Green did manage to secure an all-star cast that includes a few veterans as well. Robert Englund and Tony Todd both make cameos, with Todd being the source of exposition early in the movie. Of course, Green’s biggest get is that he convinced Kane Hodder to play the role of Hatchet’s ghostly slasher; Victor Crowely.

The movie tonally goes for camp and tries to use gore as punctuation, making for a darkly comic horror film. After the first half hour, gruesome dismemberment is an essential component of nearly every scene. It’s all played for cartoonish laughs as people are sanded into a fine red paste, chopped in two, and are pulled limb from limb. If this doesn’t sound funny, you’re not going to enjoy Hatchet.

The cast is packed with a lot of talented people. Joel Moore plays Ben, the main character and the audience point of entrance. Moore has great comedic timing and those skills translate well into a gory a horror film. Tamara Feldman plays Marybeth with the expected strength, resolve, and slightest vulnerability expected from a final girl. Deon Richmond, Parry Shen, and Richard Riehle all have entertaining turns as supporting characters and Kane Hodder fodder. Jason Voorhees himself, Kane Hodder, does a fine job of showing Victor Crowley’s wrathful fury.

Hatchet is enjoyable once you accept its campy charm. Adam Green made a love letter to 80s slasher films and dialed up the crazy. It’s a good choice for horror fans, gore fiends, and generally anyone who ever wondered what Friday the 13^th would look like as a Saturday morning cartoon.

7 out of 10