31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Bordello of Blood

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (1996)

Directed by Gilbert Adler

Starring Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, Aubrey Morris, and Phil Fondacaro

            Vincent is an explorer looking for the resting place of Lilith, mother of all vampires.  Once he finds the site in the middle of a forest, he takes out a box contain Lilith’s heart in four sections.  Vincent puts her heart back inside of her, and Lilith reanimates.  After killing his associates, Lilith promises to work for Vincent.  The Crypt Keeper then comes in to introduce the movie and get into some shenanigans of his own.  We next see Katherine and Caleb, brother and sister with very different lifestyles.  Katherine is not alright with Caleb’s troublemaking, making for a contentious relationship.  Caleb goes out with a friend to a bar, where they hear about this funeral home that is a front for a secret brothel.  The two head to the brothel and soon find they bit off more than they can chew.  Katherine hires P.I. Rafe Guttman to find her brother when he does not come home.  Once Guttman unravels the secret of Caleb’s disappearance, him and Katherine are going to find themselves neck deep in vampires.

            After the solid outing last time with Demon Knight, Bordello of Blood is a big disappointment.  The tone is different from the previous movie and not in a good way.  This movie favors camp over all but never quite makes it there.  Instead, we have a movie that is trying to be bad on purpose and failing.  When that happens, it is not pretty.  There are some moments that really work well.  When Guttman and the scheming Rev. Current storm the brothel with holy water super soakers, it turns into this fun little blood bath.  Plus, the scene is set to The Sweet’s “Ballroom Blitz”, marking one of the few excellent choices made about this movie.  But that one part does not make up for the rest of this mess.  The scares and humor are mostly gone, giving way to gore for shock’s sake and terrible attempts at campy fun. 

With Everhart and Miller, the film has two leads trying their best to “act”.  Angie Everhart plays Lilith under the very simple direction of “vamp it up”.  Seduction is staring intently and talking in a low voice.  Rage is staring intently and speaking loudly while heavily bloodied.  She is a poorly constructed caricature with teeth and not much bite.  Dennis Miller might be able to pull off a decent performance, but not in this movie.  He plays Guttman with a little too much snarky attitude, like he is about go off on a rant in the middle of staking someone.  Also, it does not help that Miller has some truly awful lines to deliver.  They can go everywhere from clichéd to cringe inducing, sometimes within the same sentence.  The only bright spots in the cast are Corey Feldman and Chris Sarandon.  Both play against their traditional parts in vamp movies, with Sarandon as the sleazy priest and Feldman as the sleazy vampire.  They both swing for the fences and try to have fun with their roles, which makes watching them enjoyable. 

There is no real reason to watch Bordello of Blood.  Even if you are curious about the next Crypt movie, avoid this like the plague.  There are better campy or so-bad-it’s-good movies out there.  It cannot function as trashy fun, because for that to work it would have to be fun. 

4 out of 10

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Demon Knight

Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight (1995)

Directed by Ernest Dickerson

Starring William Sadler, Billy Zane, Jada Pinkett Smith, Thomas Haden Church, and CCH Pounder

            The Crypt Keeper goes through his usual puns and jokes before introducing a story in mid chase.  Frank Brayker is trying to outrace a fiendish demon in a cowboy hat.  Brayker has an artifact of great power that he needs to keep away from this infernal antagonist, The Collector.  Brayker manages to ditch Collector and attract the ire of local law enforcement, causing him to slink away to the nearest safe spot.  He stumbles upon a boarding house full of colorful characters, hoping to hide amongst them.  When The Collector and the police show up to detain Brayker, all hell breaks loose.  Now, the ragtag band of residents and Brayker will have to work together to keep the key to everything falling into the hands of pure evil. 

            Demon Knight is a solid movie with a good script and an interesting story.  It is a slow burn siege movie that focuses on good characters and great dialogue.  You get a lot of who these people are from just a few lines and a little body language.  This is all done while gradually advancing the plot between Brayker and The Collector, taking their high speed chase to some claustrophobic encounters within the boarding house.  The story itself includes a detailed and well done history to these two characters and what their quests mean for the supporting players.  For a Carpenter style siege flick, there is a lot of time taken to explain what is at stake and make you care about the situation. 

            The acting is all over the place, but quality work.  William Sadler is a character actor who finally got the lead in this movie and he delivers.  In the midst of all the craziness, Sadler’s Brayker is cool and collected.  His every move speaks to the weariness of carrying such a huge burden for so long.  Billy Zane does not even try to ground The Collector in any kind of reality.  He chews scenery like he has not been fed in weeks.  Zane’s campy and over the top performance is excellent; making all those great lines have an extra punch of menace and comic whimsy.  CCH Pounder and Dick Miller also turn in some solid work as the boarding house owner and the town drunk respectively. 

            The special FX and creature makeup are serviceable, but not great.  The demon killing looks dated now, with some green lightning shooting out of their eyes every time they bite the dust.  It does not take you too much out of the movie, and the demons help reel you back in.  Their design is creepy enough and certainly worthy of the Tales from the Crypt name.  The gore is pretty standard fair, but it works.

            Demon Knight is a pretty great horror movie and an admirable attempt at bringing the show into film.  If you love hearing that familiar music and high pitched ghoul introduce something, check this out.  If you are jonesing for a good horror movie with some twisted humor and engaging story, I highly recommend it.

8 out of 10

31 Horror Movies in 31 Days: Tales from the Crypt

Tales from the Crypt (1972)

Directed by Freddie Francis

Starring Joan Collins, Peter Cushing, Roy Dotrice, Richard Greene, Ian Hendry, Patrick Magee, and Barbara Murray

            Five strangers get lost from their tour group in some old catacombs.  They wonder into a large hall with a man waiting.  He is the Crypt Keeper, and he knows how each of these people will die.  The woman in the group will be pursued by a psychopath dressed as Santa after murdering her own husband on Christmas Eve.  One man will know what it is like to feel left behind after leaving his own wife.  Another man will be shown how truly heartless he is by a man he killed.  A businessman will find that his wishes can come true at a cost.  And finally, the last man will know why he should not mistreat the disabled in his care.  Of course, being that this is based on the Tales from the Crypt comics and others from EC Comics, there is a twist in store for all involved. 

            This is a treat of a movie for horror fans.  This is an Amicus production, Hammer Horror’s chief rival in English horror cinema.  Their sets are wonderful and well adorned.  The craftsmanship of the filmmaking is top notch and consistent through all of the segments.  And it is a great slow burn picture, taking its time even in the individual segments.  All of the things I just listed are why I like the movie, and I know that these could be reasons why others might like it.  But, Tales from the Crypt could be murder for anyone who cannot sit still and let the film develop at its own pace.  Even for me, the movie dragged in certain parts.  But it always managed to get right back into the shocks fairly quickly. 

            The acting is great from all involved.  The special performances of the movie belong to Peter Cushing and Joan Collins.  Hammer Horror mainstay Cushing is a fantastic dual performance as both a man driven to suicide by his cruel neighbors and the vengeful ghoul who comes back for their hearts.  Collins throws herself into the role of a wife who just murdered her husband but cannot call the police when a manic tries to get her.  The practical effects are satisfactory, especially Cushing’s zombie form.  The real wonder of Tales from the Crypt is just how effective it is at building tension within the time frame of a short segment and repeating it with each subsequent one.  Each part of the movie builds towards a horrifying climax that owes more than a little bit of credit to the EC Comics source material. 

            For those that love a good anthology movie: find a copy of this movie.  It may move a little slow, but it delivers a punch with every part.  Just try to limit the “Boys and Ghouls” jokes.  This one aspires to be far classier than the original comics, and for the most part it succeeds. 

9 out of 10